Its been one long day. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I sent him a text asking if last night really happened. Of course it did. Still, I was so hoping....Its amazing how I knew. I just knew that something was wrong. And I also know that he's gonna try to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. Because this hurt more than anything. I feel so betrayed. Like he was just playing with me. But I know thats not the truth. He cares about me. He really does. But of course, there's another. She's close to him. She lives near him. And they have so much in common. I shouldnt be trying to hold on to him so much. I mean seriously, he deserves happiness just as much as anyone else. I've had my shot, and I blew it. I know its going to take a very long time for me to recover. We're all just very lucky that I didnt do anything stupid. I was going to, but he made me promise. I'm so tempted though. I...I dont know. I just hurt. I dont know how to describe it other than intense pain. I cant eat. I wont eat. It took me forever to go to sleep last night. Even then, I woke up every few hours going "Ugh, what is wrong with me?" I felt like a child again. I dragged the spare mattresss into the living room and snuggled up close to my grandma and cried and cried and cried. I didnt think I had enough tears in me to cry that much. I had promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. But, guess what, I did. Ugh! None of this is comming out right.
Jake, if you ever read this, know that I still love you. I will always love you. And I knew that the distance would tear us apart. If you really like this other *gulps* person, then go for it. I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness. Its gonna take me a very long time to recover. But if you do decide to come back to me, I'll welcome you with open arms. I couldnt do anything less. I love you. Thats all there is to it. I love you. I just want you to be happy. Please, for God's sake, please be happy. Thats all I ask is for you to be happy. You mean too much to me. I dont want to be an obligation, a trial, or a regret. I WOULD kill myself if I became nothing more than a regret to you. I know, I'm rambling. I just have all these things I want to say to you, to make you see, but now its too late....I love you. If you want me, I'll always be here. Waiting.
Now that that's out of my system....yeah. I dont think he'll read it. Ever.
4 comments:
Crystalina, you will never, ever kill yourself over a guy. EVER. Seriously, I'm really worried about you, please, don't say those things.
*sigh* dont worry akii. i'm fine. you know i say things i dont mean when i'm upset. and, hello, i think this counts as being really upset.
I JUST found your blog and unfortunately, have to leave too
quickly, (for now) I just wanted to say that I learned a long time
ago, that suicide was a permanent
solution to a temporary problem.
Think about YOU first - you're
young, I'm not doubting your feelings of love, crystalina,
however, the true love will come
when you both love each other and
want a future together. Then,
another step is having children,
which brings a whole other kind of love into your world - I hope
you are just venting, and that you will, as I did, remember what
I said above. That wise ol' lady
that told me that is still in my
mind years later, and she was right.
It's so hard not to think - what is it about me, what did I do wrong ? trust me on this,Crystalina, although you can't see this now, I am sure,
and from reading the little I've read, (good for you for writing too) it would be his loss. AND,
each day brings new HOPE (yes,
don't give up on HOPE!) and
who knows - maybe you'll be telling Jake that you met someone
new in the future. Don't even
give him the idea that his feelings are more important than
your life. Make them chase you -
don't always be there waiting -
(most guys will be happy to think
you are - it's when you're enjoying life *shock* without them,
that they think twice. I hope I don't sound preachy - you sound likey you've got so much going fo
you (I haven't read yet enough to
find out about the charges) however, we ALL make mistakes in
life, it's what we do, not to make them again. I see some of me in your writing (at your age)
and the BEST piece of advice I can
possibly give you (I know, who asked me? ) lol - is that you
get that education, never depend
on a guy to totally be the reason
for your happiness. If you stand
on your own two feet, and don't NEED them to be happy -most guys will appreciate that more.
WHEN you have your true love,
you'll know, because it shouldn't
make you cry like this - and shouldn't be waiting for his 'decision'
Jake should be realizing he's lucky that you are in his life.
People come for a reason a season,
and some for a lifetime.
From what I've read, it seems that
James is 'confused' and when another girl enters the picture,
it's hard not to compare yourself,
(again I see you mention feeling
ill. And I'm sure that's a direct
relation to Jake and his idea.(s)
Call a girlfriend, even though you may be thinking Jake for awhile,
don't miss out on the guy that
is thinking Crystalina only.
He's out there. and you'll know
it. Most of all, think of you
and what is good for you - people
do come and go, and even though,
at your age, I never thought I'd
get over 'Dave', I still think
of him as my first love, but looking back, I made excuses for
his behaviour when I shouldn't have - and I learned from it.
The next guy I met was not jealous(phew) and was and still is years
later, the only person I ever met that had absolutely no bad habits.
I'm writing to let you know that
even though the teenage years can sometimes seem so hard, the best is yet to come. I'll be back,
if that's okay. So far, I think
you've got a great head on your
shoulders - just use it, and be
the best you can be. Reach for the moon Crystalina, and if you make it to the stars, that's great
too.
Wishingstar - go ahead, make a
wish for YOU -:)
longest comment ever?
Hope you know, even if I'm a stranger -friend in cyberspace,
that I send you this with the
best of intentions - you seem like a VERY smart young girl/on the
verge of being a woman, and once
more, the best is still ahead of you - I would love to see you read
this - oh about 20 years from now. What would you be saying to your friend,sis,cousin, if she came to you and asked for advice..
You did do that crystalina, didn't you ? : )
Bookmarked
]
To miss Anonymous-
things are better between jake and i. even though he made a big mistake in doing that to me, he realized that even though he was trying so hard not to, he still thought about me every day. he still loved me, so we're back together. i just use this blog to vent, as you said, and as i have said to many of my friends. if you're who i think you may be, i thank you very much for commenting on my blog. read more ahead- it gets better and less heartbreaking. again, thank you, and i hope you do come back sometime soon. :)
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